pilumlugdunum

Bye sis, hope I'm a bit better when I come back, I will be off-line till then.
Thank you for everything, it helped so much.
I hope I can be there for you if ever you need me.
xxx
Hugz,
M.

Unhappy with their relationship, unconsciously trying to draw attention to it from their partner.
Ending a relationship they are unhappy with.
Lack of self-esteem.
All kinds of reasons, she believes it is reason number 2 I'd say.
Bugger it, I'm off.

Yes, it's to my mum's that I am going, it is also the place I met her, there is just no escape but time
and that is a concept that does not seem to exist without hope.
It feels like I took hit after hit after hit like an outgunned battle-ship and instead of being allowed to sink and rest on the Ocean floor forever,
I have to sail to the harbour, towed, rusting and being scrapped, bit by shrapnel torn bit.
(It seems that writing bad poetry and using foul metaphors is part of the process).
I have no hope to keep me going, only abstract concepts.
Your answer might be in my inbox upon my return, since I leave this very morning.
I know that "sorry's" and "thank you's" sound like wrong words but I still say them since I am,
thankful that I know people like you, sorry to not be able to hack it, thankful she has you and W.,
sorry I could not see it coming in time, agonizing over how I could have stopped this from happening.
x m.

In my best moments I think about later and how we will be friends I hope, her and me,
to know that at the moment she is happy and looking forward to getting back to that bastard
just makes it harder, so much harder.
I could not even fire back a single shot because she has tied herself to the bow of the enemy ship, spurring him on to sink me.

I left out the bit she did not tell them, will she ever I wonder.

Hey sis, just been rereading this, it's her truth:


Ok.

He is not the reason why I came to the end of the line with you, but he did make it easier to leave. If he did not exist I would have stayed with you longer, tried harder, become more worn out and maybe become sick. Maybe we would have ended up hating each other. I don't hate you at all, I am so happy to have met you, for our time together even though it was a struggle at times. I do remember all the good stuff, it isn't all bad at all - it's just very sad now.

I did not go looking for someone else, I did not intend it to happen and I did not believe my feelings. It may sound hollow and hurt you more to say it but I could not stop it. It is incredibly painful for me and I am ashamed, it's a terible thing. I am shocked at myself, never thought I was even capable of such behaviour. Maybe it's worse to say that it wasn't just messing around, it was because of something that is real.

I am so sorry that once again you have to drag it out of me. I wanted to wait a while. I didn't want to hurt you more at this critical time but you do deserve to know the truth. I didn't want to disrupt your progress. He has broken things off with his girlfriend, like you said to me once - he also believes I am worth it. And that alone is heartbreaking for me because I am so sorry how that must feel for you. If you had found him that weekend and challenged him he would have come for me.

I strongly believe that you and I were meant to be together, I believed in our future and I didn't lie to you about my feelings for you but they did change and I am so sorry that I couldn't stop it. Now I think we were meant to be together for another reason. You really do have a chance for real peace and happiness now and I am so happy to have helped you along that path. If this damages you to the point of no return I will never be able to forgive myself and I don't say that to manipulate - I really mean it. I do not want to sacrifice you, I am horrified at what I've done. I could have handled it better maybe or behaved better. Something.

I know my stuff might get trashed, you might hate me, everyone might hate me and I think all of that is natural and can be expected but is not neccessarily the outcome.

You are not paranoid. You know me. I am sorry I lied with silence. I am sorry I didn't work it out sooner and maybe I should have left sooner. I am sorry that I could not choose you and I hope you understand that I chose you every day until I couldn't go on. It's not as simple as meeting someone else - you know that. You know if I could have made everything perfect for us I would have. If I could have made our plans real I would have done it, but I couldn't do it alone. I don't blame you and I won't blame you for what comes next. I will take it all, I will deal with it. We are still friends when you are ready. I will come with you on the 22nd if that is what you still want. You can call me and rant and rave and cry. You can call me what you like bacause you would be right. It is not a nice thing I have done. It is not a nice way to go about. It has happened, I can't change it and I actually believe it is right for all of us including you. It might not seem like it but I know it's right.

So again, I am sorry for the hurt, I am sorry you had to drag it out. You are better than me, you make the whole thing easy for me when you don't need to. In truth I think I am not worthy of you. I am weaker, simpler and you are right - I am always running. I don't want to do that. I have a lot to thank you for too. For your love which I never doubted, for all the great times we had, for your understanding and support and tolerance always. For still being sweet and for forgiving me before. For making this easy on me now when I know it will be so very, very hard for you. But it will not kill you.

For me I do not blame you. I am sad for us and I am sorry for doing you grave wrong.

Love Kim

I suppose you're not going to tell me it was just a nightmare and it's all right,
I've woken up now are you?

That passed rather quickly, just rereading my last post is enough to snap out of it.
I'll have a look if my neighbours are at home so they can feed my fish when I'm gone the day after tomorrow, off to France. At least on the train I'll be all right. I stop myself thinking about her, how we would walk together in the forests. I really did not see it coming at all, at all. I really thought we would be together when we are old and wrinkly. I knew we would be and I was wrong, gods how wrong I was.

Have you told them then?
Have you told them how you lied to me, how you never gave us the chance we deserved, by saying that our relationship was in danger, that we had to do something about it?
That instead you cheated on me for gods knows how long, unblinking, with a homewrecker of 44, that cheated on his girlfriend, that left her after 19 years to run away with you?
That you continued to lie, to live your life of fear, to take all the love you had for me and projecting it onto that next man, as if you would then lose your fear, that you would stop running away from yourself?
That you blamed it all on me, like I did in my panic, providing you with a constructed story of why it is okay?
Which made you do all these things that create so much suffering, that makes you believe that anything good could come of it?
Will you leave that part out because you know that he will not be welcome at their table?
Or will he be?
Will you introduce him as a new love after a year?
When he will leave you, or you will leave him, have you stopped running then? Or will you have realised that it is within you,
that feeling of emptiness that now is gone for just a moment, a moment that could last another year or three?
The feeling of being unfulfilled, of needing more, somewhere else, someone else, that now momentarily has subsided by what you mistake for love?
That you need to be special, need to be wanted, need to be loved and appreciated and feel I betrayed you when I could not make you feel that enough because I was ill?
That you broke the last bit of my spirit when you cheated on me with him, that what you can't bear is seeing me broken, that this is what made you run?
Even if you shun me, shun anyone that could scratch at your inner pain,
that might confront you with your secret self that you can barely live with, that gives you nightmares every night,
that gives you the feeling of being bad, which you aren't, do you really think that goes away now?
Do you really believe that you can forget yourself in him forever?
You probably do, "the pain is gone, so it must be right".
But the fact that you keep silent, that you in that way keep on lying, that is a sure sign that you are still running from yourself.
That makes the pain you caused me even bigger, it fucks up any chance we had, how will you overcome it?
That is what makes you look back and see it as "just a dream", "not real", that makes you put away any love you had for me, into the prison cells of your heart,
that is why you temporarily fill that empty hole in your heart with "love" for him, until the emptiness comes back.
And it will Kim, it will.
This is no curse, it is what I think, a little part of what I think might be the truth, only you can answer all these questions and it will hurt to do so.
I will not bless you and him, it is built on lies, deceit and pain, I only bless you, because I love you.
If you can overcome it with that home wrecker, so be it. I will not forget in a heartbeat what we had and what was real and is.
I will wait for you, because of who you really are underneath.
Put down the masks and face yourself.
I love you.
M.

Before I forget:
She was sitting in the living room and I was happy that finally she was working on her story, she some times wrote. I asked her if my presence would disturb her and made clear that I was happy for her, and I´d do anything needed to ensure she could do it. She later told me, it was a story that he was writing and she was helping out, right in front of me, without blinking an eye.

This night was nightmare after nightmare, about her, the bed is soaked with my sweat, so are the pillows. I woke three or four times and smoked. The last few days no more tears are coming. I´m afraid she won´t tell her parents the truth, not the whole truth, just the part of why she could not be with me any more, not the lies and secrets, not about the man she thinks she loves now and how he cheated on and left his woman and his kids for her, a home wrecker, because she knows that he then would never be welcome at her parents home and it implies she is one too.
It pains me to think how she will tell it so that they will stop liking me.
I can´t get myself to write to them about it, in a way I leave it all to her, hoping she will stop lying, first to them and then to herself or the other way around. But I do not think she will, I think she will leave out the things that could be problematic, weaving lies, born from fear.
When I was sitting in her parents garden, smoking, her mother Janet came out and I pointed out a king fisher that was sitting on a branch in front of me. She thought it was a sign and was amazed and happy. I´ll just send her a card of one, that´s all.
If they would ever call me, I will not be silent, I´ll tell it all just as it is. Not out of spite or revenge, or hope things would change because of it, just because I will not lie for her, how ever much I love her, no longer will I be silent out of misplaced loyalty. I know they will not call me so that´s okay.
I miss those two, my first ever parents in law.

I could only barely contain myself txt-ing her to ask if she had landed safely.
Can't believe she only a few weeks ago booked us two tickets.
Still in complete shell-shock about it all I guess.
I was looking forward to being with her and her family on Christmas and her friends on new years,
she had it all arranged, I do not get it.
Enough of this brain torture, I need to get my mind off it a bit somehow.
Maybe a nice long walk. How do other people just get over it so quickly I wonder.
At the moment I'm trying just to witness the pain I have, let it go through without thinking about it. It's driving me nuts though.